Brandon and I took our Stork Tour at Sentara Leigh Hospital tonight. Before our tour began, we visited with a teacher friend who just happened to have her little boy this morning at SLH. First of all, this little boy was beautiful and had the most wonderful head full of thick, dark hair! Secondly, Kristyn looked amazing and was up walking around and everything...she calmed me down without even realizing it. And thirdly, we were very impressed with the attention she was given by the staff...the cafeteria lady came to check on her dinner, a nurse came to check in on her, and the same nurse returned to see if Kristyn needed anything before she (the nurse) took her supper break. They were really attentive and caring toward her and the family! I liked that for sure.
Then, time for our tour. I have to say, the lady who gave the tour, Laurie, was really great. She answered all of my questions before I could even ask them. (Obviously, she's done this once or twice!) After giving us the run down on what to pack in our hospital bag, what we'd need for baby, security, visiting procedures, our "support person" and a bunch of other things, we took a tour. The director of the floor was there and spoke to us as we visited the nurses' desk. Then we saw the nursery. We all walked in a LDRP room (Labor/Delivery/Recovery/Post-partum), where we had plenty of room, and she walked us through the basic labor process and what would happen to our babies. (I remember how teeny Jenny's room was at Chesapeake General...this room was at least three times as big!) Once in this room, you stay there until you're discharged. Pretty cool! We also saw the C-section rooms; equally big, though with nicer beds. =)
We saw the coffee rooms, "important for your personal support staff," and just got a thorough tour of the floor.
As B and I were leaving, he put his arm around me and said, "You okay, sweetie?" I looked at him and got all misty eyed and choked up. I couldn't speak. I think that all of a sudden, it was real. In 12 weeks (give or take!) we will be there. I will be giving birth to our son. I will leave with a child in my arms. I looked around at all the rooms and realized I would be in one. I saw the visitors coming and going and realized people would be coming to visit me. All of a sudden, this far off vision was becoming a close up reality.
I'm as ready as I'm going to be, I suppose. =) But I have to admit, I left the maternity ward both comforted and scared to death. I felt very comfortable there, I think we'll be so pleased with the time we spend there. But I am afraid of being there. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not freaked out about getting drugs, not about whether or not I end up getting a c-section...but I think I'm afraid of the uncertainty of how it will go. I know how it's supposed to go, but so many things can happen. In the end, I get the same prize: a sweet little boy. I'm so excited to welcome him here!
Time to surrender those worries to God and just do everything I can to be prepared and healthy for when the time comes...because it's coming quickly now!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Gettin' My Jesus On...
B and I have definitely talked about raising our Jellybean in church. My family started at Great Bridge Baptist when I was about four...I have such wonderful memories of Sunday School, I loved Vacation Bible School (my fave was the Fishers of Men year, many moons ago), and I did the children's choir through middle school. My family, like many, fell out of the groove at one point and it was a handful of years before God led me back to church by seeking out Pastor Heckathorn to track me down and serve as pianist at his little Nazarene Church. (That was the proof that God will never leave you, He will always find a way to bring you back to Him!) And since B and I have dated, we have found our place back at my home church. My family always stressed the importance of putting Jesus in your life, of confessing your sins and praying for help and guidance. Mom and Dad made sure I knew the real reason for Christmas and Easter...it's not presents from Santa and chocolate left by a bunny. That is what I want for my son. I want him to know he is loved, he is a child of God, he is a beautiful and unique person put here to serve a purpose. I want him to understand unconditional love and to realize that God forgives, no matter what. I think raising him in church, teaching him to believe, helping him to use the Bible as his guidebook, showing him that the ways of the world aren't always right...I truly believe that these are so important in helping to fulfill God's plan for me and Brandon, as well as teaching the Bean where he fits into this world.
I've been conflicted lately, realizing that I am far from a perfect Christian. I realize that none of us are. I try to lead a good life, but it's so easy to be a lazy Christian. If we stay up late watching a movie on Saturday, it's so easy to say, "I'm so tired! I'm sleeping in tomorrow. We can do church next Sunday." I realized how much I missed going to church when my morning sickness forced me to be away. We've tried to be much better about getting up and going since I've felt well again. But I worry that I am not always such a fine example to my son when it comes to leading the Christian life, and I've been soul searching for ways to fix that.
Cue Pastor Will. He's our wonderful, dynamic pastor who has taken our church under his wings and has done so much good since he arrived! His sermon today was aimed at me. It was one of those Sundays where you just know God was talking to you, he just used PW as the microphone so you'd shut up and listen for a while. PW talked about our idols and how they stand in the way of a true, committed relationship with God. It's so easy to think of idols as the golden statues worshiped in the Old Testament, or as Tiki Gods or Totem Poles or whatever other kind of tangible item people bow down to. But his point was that an idol is anything that gets in your way when it comes to your relationship with God.
Staying up late on Saturday because that movie is soooooo good, then snoozing on Sunday...idol. Worrying about pleasing others all the time...idol. Being preoccupied with your weight...idol. Money concerns...idol. Spending too much time identifying yourself with your job...idol. When he started listing these things, they came at me like a ton of bricks. I have so many of those idols in my life. I worry myself to death about pleasing other people...my boss, my classroom parents, my husband's family. I spend too much time thinking about how unhappy I am with my body instead of celebrating that God's fingerprints mark it as He wanted. It's so easy to skip something important for dinner with friends, a late night movie, an early lunch date on a Sunday. How can I teach my son to put God first if I only do when it suits me? How can I show him by example that God is not a free-time God. I never realized how many idols there are in my life, in all our lives.
PW gave each person in the congregation a piece of paper and told us to write down one of our idols. I wrote "always trying to please others." Then he invited each section of the sanctuary to walk the aisle and place their idol on the altar, to leave them behind for God to handle so that we can be less preoccupied with those and strengthen our relationship with God this week. What a powerful, visual example of rearranging our priorities. B and I walked down together and threw our papers away. We sang Amazing Grace as we did this, and it moved me to tears. I looked at the hundreds of people around me, and so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ had idols to leave behind. I'm not alone! There were a few idols open as I threw mine on the steps...and I realized that so many of us share the same ones. It's hard to reach your destination if you keep getting flat tires along the way. It's good to know that we are all alike in some ways. It's reassuring for someone like me who worries instead of giving my worries to God, someone who takes on the weight of the world when it's not my job.
I left church feeling uplifted and hopeful. I feel like so much has been put into perspective. I can show my son a good Christian life. It won't be without flaws along the way, but realizing that 1) we are all dealing with our own idols, and 2) we can always give these things to God, made me realize that the fact that I want my Jellybean to be raised with a good, Christian family is putting God first. The fact that I've been soul-searching is proof that I am trying to find what to fix. I am confident that my little boy will find his niche, and that Brandon and I will play a huge role in leading him there. Why worry? Surrender my worries and quit taking them back. Trust in God, trust that He will lead us to do the right thing.
I am feeling so strong in my heart. My shoulders are lighter. My soul is happy. Leaving an idol behind was just what I needed today. I wish I'd had a bigger piece of paper and a few more minutes to think...I could have left behind a list instead of just one thing.
So thank you to Pastor Will for showing this mommy-to-be that all is well in God's hands. =) It was a message I truly needed to hear. One day, Jellybean will be able to thank him, too.
I've been conflicted lately, realizing that I am far from a perfect Christian. I realize that none of us are. I try to lead a good life, but it's so easy to be a lazy Christian. If we stay up late watching a movie on Saturday, it's so easy to say, "I'm so tired! I'm sleeping in tomorrow. We can do church next Sunday." I realized how much I missed going to church when my morning sickness forced me to be away. We've tried to be much better about getting up and going since I've felt well again. But I worry that I am not always such a fine example to my son when it comes to leading the Christian life, and I've been soul searching for ways to fix that.
Cue Pastor Will. He's our wonderful, dynamic pastor who has taken our church under his wings and has done so much good since he arrived! His sermon today was aimed at me. It was one of those Sundays where you just know God was talking to you, he just used PW as the microphone so you'd shut up and listen for a while. PW talked about our idols and how they stand in the way of a true, committed relationship with God. It's so easy to think of idols as the golden statues worshiped in the Old Testament, or as Tiki Gods or Totem Poles or whatever other kind of tangible item people bow down to. But his point was that an idol is anything that gets in your way when it comes to your relationship with God.
Staying up late on Saturday because that movie is soooooo good, then snoozing on Sunday...idol. Worrying about pleasing others all the time...idol. Being preoccupied with your weight...idol. Money concerns...idol. Spending too much time identifying yourself with your job...idol. When he started listing these things, they came at me like a ton of bricks. I have so many of those idols in my life. I worry myself to death about pleasing other people...my boss, my classroom parents, my husband's family. I spend too much time thinking about how unhappy I am with my body instead of celebrating that God's fingerprints mark it as He wanted. It's so easy to skip something important for dinner with friends, a late night movie, an early lunch date on a Sunday. How can I teach my son to put God first if I only do when it suits me? How can I show him by example that God is not a free-time God. I never realized how many idols there are in my life, in all our lives.
PW gave each person in the congregation a piece of paper and told us to write down one of our idols. I wrote "always trying to please others." Then he invited each section of the sanctuary to walk the aisle and place their idol on the altar, to leave them behind for God to handle so that we can be less preoccupied with those and strengthen our relationship with God this week. What a powerful, visual example of rearranging our priorities. B and I walked down together and threw our papers away. We sang Amazing Grace as we did this, and it moved me to tears. I looked at the hundreds of people around me, and so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ had idols to leave behind. I'm not alone! There were a few idols open as I threw mine on the steps...and I realized that so many of us share the same ones. It's hard to reach your destination if you keep getting flat tires along the way. It's good to know that we are all alike in some ways. It's reassuring for someone like me who worries instead of giving my worries to God, someone who takes on the weight of the world when it's not my job.
I left church feeling uplifted and hopeful. I feel like so much has been put into perspective. I can show my son a good Christian life. It won't be without flaws along the way, but realizing that 1) we are all dealing with our own idols, and 2) we can always give these things to God, made me realize that the fact that I want my Jellybean to be raised with a good, Christian family is putting God first. The fact that I've been soul-searching is proof that I am trying to find what to fix. I am confident that my little boy will find his niche, and that Brandon and I will play a huge role in leading him there. Why worry? Surrender my worries and quit taking them back. Trust in God, trust that He will lead us to do the right thing.
I am feeling so strong in my heart. My shoulders are lighter. My soul is happy. Leaving an idol behind was just what I needed today. I wish I'd had a bigger piece of paper and a few more minutes to think...I could have left behind a list instead of just one thing.
So thank you to Pastor Will for showing this mommy-to-be that all is well in God's hands. =) It was a message I truly needed to hear. One day, Jellybean will be able to thank him, too.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Family is everything
The closer we get, the more excited our family gets.
My parents are, of course, thrilled. As their only child, they've always paid special attention to me...and Jellybean is perhaps the thrill of their lives. Mom's been picking up little things since I told her I was pregnant. She and dad check in on my everyday and are always interested to talk to me in detail after my doctor visits. Brandon and I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago, and when we got home, our crib and a mattress were awaiting us in the den! My parents had bought it and brought it by to surprise us, and since we were gone, they delivered it to our den. I am so very excited! I cannot WAIT for the nursery to be finished as far as prep work so I can decorate!
Brandon's dad checks in on me by asking B for daily updates. Everytime I visit their office, he greets me with, "Hey, mama! How ya feeling?" and I see him and Doris on Sundays at church. They are both very excited and always ask how things are going. When he calls the house, he'll always chat with me for a sec before I hand the phone over to B. Dad Sawyer told Brandon this week that he and Doris would like to buy the dresser for the nursery and he is coming over tomorrow to get the crown moulding up...and when that's done, we can begin putting the furniture together! Wahoo!
Auntie Heather is also very excited. She texts me and asks how I'm feeling. It's so nice to hear from her! Our relationship has definitely grown over the last couple of years, and since she found out she's gonna be an aunt, she's been so sweet in checking in on me. As busy as her own life is, it makes me feel very loved that she keeps updated on Jellybean by chatting with me. =) I think JB is very lucky to have an aunt who is already so concerned about him!
We visited with B's Gramma after our ultrasound visit on Friday and showed her the pictures of her great-grandson. I think she's very excited, too! She's the only one of our grandparents left, and I think it's amazing that JB will get to know his great-gramma!
I think that as our family grows, I realize how much it means to have family that truly loves you. Not just the family you see for holidays and weddings...but the family that takes the time to make you feel like you belong. Having people talk to me and ask how the baby and I are doing, well...I can't explain how important that is to me. I am encouraged that Jellybean will have such a supportive family! We've had so many visits from my parents and Dad Sawyer and Doris...I love that they come over even before the baby is here. It shows us how much they love all 3 of us (well, four of us, because we can't leave the spoiled Granddog out!) And even though we don't see Heather (and Uncle Rob!) as frequently as we'd like, they never go more than a few days without a check-in with me.
Family is about love, about going out of your way to make everyone feel like they belong. Family is showing genuine concern for the welfare of others. Family is putting others first sometimes. Family is about sharing in others' joy, anxiousness, and happiness. Family is caring about other people. Family is so many things...
I am so glad that I am bringing my son into a world where so many family members have already shown me how much he is loved. No doubt that Jellybean is a lucky little guy!
My parents are, of course, thrilled. As their only child, they've always paid special attention to me...and Jellybean is perhaps the thrill of their lives. Mom's been picking up little things since I told her I was pregnant. She and dad check in on my everyday and are always interested to talk to me in detail after my doctor visits. Brandon and I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago, and when we got home, our crib and a mattress were awaiting us in the den! My parents had bought it and brought it by to surprise us, and since we were gone, they delivered it to our den. I am so very excited! I cannot WAIT for the nursery to be finished as far as prep work so I can decorate!
Brandon's dad checks in on me by asking B for daily updates. Everytime I visit their office, he greets me with, "Hey, mama! How ya feeling?" and I see him and Doris on Sundays at church. They are both very excited and always ask how things are going. When he calls the house, he'll always chat with me for a sec before I hand the phone over to B. Dad Sawyer told Brandon this week that he and Doris would like to buy the dresser for the nursery and he is coming over tomorrow to get the crown moulding up...and when that's done, we can begin putting the furniture together! Wahoo!
Auntie Heather is also very excited. She texts me and asks how I'm feeling. It's so nice to hear from her! Our relationship has definitely grown over the last couple of years, and since she found out she's gonna be an aunt, she's been so sweet in checking in on me. As busy as her own life is, it makes me feel very loved that she keeps updated on Jellybean by chatting with me. =) I think JB is very lucky to have an aunt who is already so concerned about him!
We visited with B's Gramma after our ultrasound visit on Friday and showed her the pictures of her great-grandson. I think she's very excited, too! She's the only one of our grandparents left, and I think it's amazing that JB will get to know his great-gramma!
I think that as our family grows, I realize how much it means to have family that truly loves you. Not just the family you see for holidays and weddings...but the family that takes the time to make you feel like you belong. Having people talk to me and ask how the baby and I are doing, well...I can't explain how important that is to me. I am encouraged that Jellybean will have such a supportive family! We've had so many visits from my parents and Dad Sawyer and Doris...I love that they come over even before the baby is here. It shows us how much they love all 3 of us (well, four of us, because we can't leave the spoiled Granddog out!) And even though we don't see Heather (and Uncle Rob!) as frequently as we'd like, they never go more than a few days without a check-in with me.
Family is about love, about going out of your way to make everyone feel like they belong. Family is showing genuine concern for the welfare of others. Family is putting others first sometimes. Family is about sharing in others' joy, anxiousness, and happiness. Family is caring about other people. Family is so many things...
I am so glad that I am bringing my son into a world where so many family members have already shown me how much he is loved. No doubt that Jellybean is a lucky little guy!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Happy Heart Day!
Today was my fetal echocardiogram. I'm not gonna lie--it's been worrying me for weeks. My brother died of Truncus arteriosus at four months, so I'd been flagged immediately upon finding out I was pregnant as one to watch for heart defects. I knew that the scan was coming, my doc wanted it somewhere around 26 weeks. Well, yesterday was the big day. Bran picked me up from my teacher workday at work and together we headed to EVMS for the fetal specialty department.
We parked and headed up to suite 310, both a little on the quiet side. After filling out a bunch of paperwork, I joined B in the waiting area and we made small talk (and he played Angry Birds on his phone, lol) until the ultrasound tech called us back. She was really nice and put us at ease quickly. She did a more advanced ultrasound--which caught me off guard, because I was expecting to have a heart monitor strapped to my belly--but this ultrasound was much clearer than the one at my doc's office. She was able to zoom in on Jellybean's heart and showed us that he has four healthy chambers. She put on a Doppler feature and we were able to see blood flowing in (it showed up red) and out (it showed up blue). She measured his heart and tried to check it from other angles. And everything looked beautiful!
I think she enjoyed us--we're pretty silly folks, and Jellybean was a little wiggly for her. He kept kicking the ultrasound wand when she'd move it on my belly. (B was thinking "there's my little soccer star!") She started taking other pictures and measuring him--arms, legs, spine, head--the usual. She confirmed that he is, indeed, a boy, and after pointing out some of his special features, my mature husband grinned and said, "Yessssssss! That's my boy!" =) We were talking as she took lots of pics and I made a comment about how much he'd grown since our first (and 2nd!) ultrasounds. Then I mentioned that 3d pics looked so weird. She said that when people get the 3d ones done at 20 weeks, they do look super weird because the baby is so tiny and hasn't developed much of his definition. Next thing we knew, she was flipping on the 3d feature and showed us our baby!
At 27 weeks, the 3d ultrasound was not nearly as alien-esque as the early ones I've seen from friends. We were able to see clear definition on Jellybean's calves (he's got his Daddy's legs, thank goodness!) and his little biceps. His belly was nice and pooched out. His face has a lovely little curved chin and precious chubby cheeks, just ready for pinching! He seems to have my nose and a friend remarked he has B's eyes. It was pretty awesome to "see" what he looks like so far! I can't wait to meet him! (Okay, well, I surely can, but you know what I mean! We have a lot to do and he has a lot of baking left before he arrives!) The tech also told us he's about 3 pounds--measuring at 30 weeks while he's actually 27 along. My little chunk, already an overachiever! She made us laugh because she said his belly and head were "generous." hahaha I asked her exactly how generous...and she converted his measurements and informed me that Bean's giant head is in the 94th percentile. You can imagine my reaction. =)
All in all, it was a wonderful day. Our little boy is a chubby, healthy little guy. His heart is formed properly and everything appears to be in tip-top condition. His head, although currently ginormous, showed a healthy brain (I impressed the tech by pointing out his corpus callosum to her, lol...I'm such a brain nerd...) and a precious little face. He kept putting his hands up in front of his face like a boxer--and as I compared the new 3d pics to our old 2d ones, I noticed he's been doing that all along. Makes me wonder if he'll do that when he's out in the real world! She didn't catch it on a still shot, but we saw him from the front as he stretched his arms up and yawned, just like I do when I'm sleepy, then he blinked a couple times and rubbed his eyes. We saw his lenses and everything! We got bonus 3d pics, a wonderful surprise. And when we left, the tech was so happy for us she hugged us and said she'd enjoyed our visit!
Sigh. There's so many things to worry about, and he's not even here yet! I'm so glad our prayers have been answered. God is good! Here's to a healthy 12 weeks before our (big) bundle arrives!
We parked and headed up to suite 310, both a little on the quiet side. After filling out a bunch of paperwork, I joined B in the waiting area and we made small talk (and he played Angry Birds on his phone, lol) until the ultrasound tech called us back. She was really nice and put us at ease quickly. She did a more advanced ultrasound--which caught me off guard, because I was expecting to have a heart monitor strapped to my belly--but this ultrasound was much clearer than the one at my doc's office. She was able to zoom in on Jellybean's heart and showed us that he has four healthy chambers. She put on a Doppler feature and we were able to see blood flowing in (it showed up red) and out (it showed up blue). She measured his heart and tried to check it from other angles. And everything looked beautiful!
I think she enjoyed us--we're pretty silly folks, and Jellybean was a little wiggly for her. He kept kicking the ultrasound wand when she'd move it on my belly. (B was thinking "there's my little soccer star!") She started taking other pictures and measuring him--arms, legs, spine, head--the usual. She confirmed that he is, indeed, a boy, and after pointing out some of his special features, my mature husband grinned and said, "Yessssssss! That's my boy!" =) We were talking as she took lots of pics and I made a comment about how much he'd grown since our first (and 2nd!) ultrasounds. Then I mentioned that 3d pics looked so weird. She said that when people get the 3d ones done at 20 weeks, they do look super weird because the baby is so tiny and hasn't developed much of his definition. Next thing we knew, she was flipping on the 3d feature and showed us our baby!
At 27 weeks, the 3d ultrasound was not nearly as alien-esque as the early ones I've seen from friends. We were able to see clear definition on Jellybean's calves (he's got his Daddy's legs, thank goodness!) and his little biceps. His belly was nice and pooched out. His face has a lovely little curved chin and precious chubby cheeks, just ready for pinching! He seems to have my nose and a friend remarked he has B's eyes. It was pretty awesome to "see" what he looks like so far! I can't wait to meet him! (Okay, well, I surely can, but you know what I mean! We have a lot to do and he has a lot of baking left before he arrives!) The tech also told us he's about 3 pounds--measuring at 30 weeks while he's actually 27 along. My little chunk, already an overachiever! She made us laugh because she said his belly and head were "generous." hahaha I asked her exactly how generous...and she converted his measurements and informed me that Bean's giant head is in the 94th percentile. You can imagine my reaction. =)
 |
| Our little Jellybean! You can see his chubby little cheeks, sweet kissable lips, and little nose. You can also see his arms up, boxer style, and his left foot is up heading toward his chin. Flexible little guy! That explains the constant fluttering in my tummy! |
All in all, it was a wonderful day. Our little boy is a chubby, healthy little guy. His heart is formed properly and everything appears to be in tip-top condition. His head, although currently ginormous, showed a healthy brain (I impressed the tech by pointing out his corpus callosum to her, lol...I'm such a brain nerd...) and a precious little face. He kept putting his hands up in front of his face like a boxer--and as I compared the new 3d pics to our old 2d ones, I noticed he's been doing that all along. Makes me wonder if he'll do that when he's out in the real world! She didn't catch it on a still shot, but we saw him from the front as he stretched his arms up and yawned, just like I do when I'm sleepy, then he blinked a couple times and rubbed his eyes. We saw his lenses and everything! We got bonus 3d pics, a wonderful surprise. And when we left, the tech was so happy for us she hugged us and said she'd enjoyed our visit!
Sigh. There's so many things to worry about, and he's not even here yet! I'm so glad our prayers have been answered. God is good! Here's to a healthy 12 weeks before our (big) bundle arrives!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
technical difficulties
I went to upload pics...but my card reader decided to die tonight. It'll be a while, but I'll get pics up as soon as I can.
Glucose fun
So Friday was my glucose test. After thoroughly being freaked out (note to self: don't ask what happens if you fail the "short test"), I chugged my fruit punch drink and waited for the fun. It was so sweet! But it tasted like those Lil' Hug drinks we all had as kids...which then begs the question...just how much stinkin' sugar IS in those drinks?
But I digress...
So I graded papers...read my Kindle...and visited with another doctor in the practice while I waited. This doc was a very nice man. Jellybean's heartbeat sounded strong as always, beating a happy 135.
A while later, they drew my blood and I got the good news I passed. No gestational diabetes! One more worry crossed off my list.
...but as we get closer to the big day, my list of worries is slowly getting a little longer.
But I digress...
So I graded papers...read my Kindle...and visited with another doctor in the practice while I waited. This doc was a very nice man. Jellybean's heartbeat sounded strong as always, beating a happy 135.
A while later, they drew my blood and I got the good news I passed. No gestational diabetes! One more worry crossed off my list.
...but as we get closer to the big day, my list of worries is slowly getting a little longer.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Unplanned side effects...
So the farther along I get, the bigger my stomach grows. This is, of course, a no brainer. But it's stirred up some feelings I didn't expect.
I love being pregnant. It's an amazing feeling to feel the flutters and bumps that my little boy is making inside my tummy. But as I slowly lose sight of my feet, I'm finding it difficult to accept how big I am getting.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the queen of self-esteem. Since high school, I've been super self-conscious. Good luck finding a picture of me where I don't have my arm in front of my stomach, where I'm not holding something, or where I'm not standing behind someone else. It's been my defense mechanism for half my lifetime. And yet, here I am, experiencing a miracle, but finding it difficult to accept that the tummy I've tried to hide for so long is growing exponentially.
It's not like I've just been hard on myself. Imagine how you'd feel if the mother of your boyfriend said things like, "Oh, well his last girlfriend was so skinny" or "It's a shame you aren't tiny like his sister. She's so lean she can wear anything." Honestly, what kind of person would say that to you? Things like that along the way have stuck with me. What they say about forgetting the complements and remembering the hurtful words are true; I can tell you every awful thing that's been said to me...by whom...and when. So after spending so much time becoming uncomfortable with my body, trying to hide it, being ashamed...it's been hard to see myself getting bigger when I can't control it.
Even the first trimester, when I was too sick to eat, I lost 12 pounds...and yet, my tummy got bigger. I know this is good, I want a healthy little baby! But I just didn't expect to look in the mirror and feel such mixed emotions. I was too sick to exercise, so I felt lazy. I saw that my eating habits had no effect on my body shape...that was beyond my control. It just shocked me that those feelings popped up. I expected to feel only joy, only excitement.
But on top of where I'm coming from, it's hard to be excited when everyday at school I hear, "Oh, look how big your stomach is getting!." Or when I'm told, "Wow, are you starting to show now!" Yes, I realize I am. I am the blessed carrier of a beautiful baby boy! What an honor and a miracle! But the self-conscious side of me just hears "big," "chubby," and "huge." I wish people knew how their words struck me. I've tried to tell a couple and they just laughed it off. "You're pregnant! What do you expect? hahaha"
...I expected to grow. But I didn't expect to be told every morning and every time I run into a friend after a few days.
I'm admittedly having a harder time with all of this than I expected. As my pants grow tight, as my feet disappear, as my socks become harder to put on, I am excited! But I am also fearful...fearful that my body will never be beautiful. That even when I lose baby weight, I will be damaged goods. That I will still be compared to ex-girlfriends and sisters. That I will never be comfortable in my own skin. ...and that I will be destined to wear mom jeans. =)
So as I deal with my inner self-image demons, perhaps a gentle suggestion. The next time you see a pregnant woman, maybe instead of pointing out how ginormous she's getting, point out that she's glowing. Or happy. Or that she looks radiant. Or, better yet, ask her how she's doing instead of telling her.
Words can be so powerful.
I love being pregnant. It's an amazing feeling to feel the flutters and bumps that my little boy is making inside my tummy. But as I slowly lose sight of my feet, I'm finding it difficult to accept how big I am getting.
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the queen of self-esteem. Since high school, I've been super self-conscious. Good luck finding a picture of me where I don't have my arm in front of my stomach, where I'm not holding something, or where I'm not standing behind someone else. It's been my defense mechanism for half my lifetime. And yet, here I am, experiencing a miracle, but finding it difficult to accept that the tummy I've tried to hide for so long is growing exponentially.
It's not like I've just been hard on myself. Imagine how you'd feel if the mother of your boyfriend said things like, "Oh, well his last girlfriend was so skinny" or "It's a shame you aren't tiny like his sister. She's so lean she can wear anything." Honestly, what kind of person would say that to you? Things like that along the way have stuck with me. What they say about forgetting the complements and remembering the hurtful words are true; I can tell you every awful thing that's been said to me...by whom...and when. So after spending so much time becoming uncomfortable with my body, trying to hide it, being ashamed...it's been hard to see myself getting bigger when I can't control it.
Even the first trimester, when I was too sick to eat, I lost 12 pounds...and yet, my tummy got bigger. I know this is good, I want a healthy little baby! But I just didn't expect to look in the mirror and feel such mixed emotions. I was too sick to exercise, so I felt lazy. I saw that my eating habits had no effect on my body shape...that was beyond my control. It just shocked me that those feelings popped up. I expected to feel only joy, only excitement.
But on top of where I'm coming from, it's hard to be excited when everyday at school I hear, "Oh, look how big your stomach is getting!." Or when I'm told, "Wow, are you starting to show now!" Yes, I realize I am. I am the blessed carrier of a beautiful baby boy! What an honor and a miracle! But the self-conscious side of me just hears "big," "chubby," and "huge." I wish people knew how their words struck me. I've tried to tell a couple and they just laughed it off. "You're pregnant! What do you expect? hahaha"
...I expected to grow. But I didn't expect to be told every morning and every time I run into a friend after a few days.
I'm admittedly having a harder time with all of this than I expected. As my pants grow tight, as my feet disappear, as my socks become harder to put on, I am excited! But I am also fearful...fearful that my body will never be beautiful. That even when I lose baby weight, I will be damaged goods. That I will still be compared to ex-girlfriends and sisters. That I will never be comfortable in my own skin. ...and that I will be destined to wear mom jeans. =)
So as I deal with my inner self-image demons, perhaps a gentle suggestion. The next time you see a pregnant woman, maybe instead of pointing out how ginormous she's getting, point out that she's glowing. Or happy. Or that she looks radiant. Or, better yet, ask her how she's doing instead of telling her.
Words can be so powerful.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Common sense disappears when people see a pregnant woman...
Warning: Rant ahead
One of my sorority sisters sent me a link to a blog where the woman was ranting about stupid things people say to pregnant women. I literally laughed until I cried. It's so true! Once you become pregnant, people feel they have the right to say the dumbest things. So, after reading her blog, I felt inspired to share my own experiences...
One of my sorority sisters sent me a link to a blog where the woman was ranting about stupid things people say to pregnant women. I literally laughed until I cried. It's so true! Once you become pregnant, people feel they have the right to say the dumbest things. So, after reading her blog, I felt inspired to share my own experiences...
- From a former room parent: "Oh my, look how chubby you are! hehehe"
My response: "Oh yes, he's growing quickly these days."
What I really wanted to say: "I was just thinking the same thing about you! Are you pregnant, too?
Honestly, who would tell a pregnant woman she is chubby? Who uses that word to describe anything but cupid and little babies? Chubby? Would you like me to tell you your skin is wrinkly? - From a friend: "Girl, your stomach is getting so big!"
My response: "Yup, I've noticed."
What I really wanted to say: "Yup. So is your butt."
Again, thanks for pointing out that I'm becoming as large as the broad side of a barn. I really appreciate it. - From approximately one million people: "Girl, let me tell you about MY labor..."
My response: smile and nod
What I really wanted to say: "Are you freaking nuts? Do I need to hear about how you nearly hemorrhaged to death? Is it that important that you share with me you had to get 57 internal stitches that became so infected you couldn't walk for three weeks? Is it absolutely necessary to tell me how your epidural didn't work and you felt the most horrific pain of your life? Do you think describing your labor experience as requiring the 'jaws of life' is helpful to me? Did I need to know how your reaction to the meds made you projectile vomit all over the doc, floor, and every adult in the room?" Honestly. I'm nervous enough. I enjoy the little truths people tell me, I love to hear things about what it's like to give birth, how warm the newborn feels when you first hold him, how it's normal to be scared and how it's okay to cry. But please keep the graphic, terrifying details of your awful birth experience to yourself. Not only is it too much information, but it scares the crap out of me. - From a handful: "Oh, you're not going to get an epidural, are you? They're so dangerous. A real mother can push through the pain.
My response: "I'm not opposed to doing whatever it takes to get him here safely."
What I really wanted to say: "Look, I'm not a wimp, but if I need the drugs I'm taking them. I get no medal for natural childbirth and I will be no less of a mother if I do get the meds."
Thanks for your concern. I'll do what I need to, I am more worried about a safe delivery than whether I get meds or not. - From a substitute whom I had never spoken to before!!!: After a solid 20 minutes of unsolicited advice, she said to me, "Girl, don't you scream or cry or make a sound. No real mom does that. It won't do nothing but screw up your delivery and show how much of a coward you are."
My response: "Oh, I'm sure no one wants to hear a screamer."
What I really wanted to say: "Are you serious? I have never even spoken a word to you and you're telling me that expressing my pain in any form is a sign of weakness and makes me a coward? How DARE you!"
Oh my gosh, it just ticks me off to remember that conversation. Ugh. What nerve. - Upon finding out I'm pregnant: "Oh, was that planned?"
My response: "Well, we're thankful that God's plan worked well with what we'd hoped for."
What I really wanted to say: "Nope. I'm still not sure how it happened. I knew I shouldn't have shared my soap. We're still trying to figure it all out."
Honestly? It's none of your business if our pregnancy was planned at all. I was raised to believe that having a baby is something you pray about, and when God is ready for you to start a family, it will happen, whether by natural means or with assistance from doctors. Timing is out of our hands. We can hope, but we can't control. - From a friend: "Just you wait til you get those hemorrhoids, girl you will hate life. It's like pooping glass."
My response: "Oh, that doesn't sound enjoyable." (followed by uncomfortable laugh)
What I really wanted to say: "It is entirely necessary to give me one more unhappy symptom to think about? It's not an inevitable side effect, and if I am blessed with that gift, I'll handle it in private. Thank you for keeping your own experience private, too."
There are some things you just don't need to know unless you're chatting with your very best girlfriends.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Let's talk about touching the belly...
I'd been warned. Every mom I know had given me the heads up. All the books I've read said to watch out for it.
Man, they were all spot on.
I understand the fascination with a pregnant woman's tummy...but I do not understand the constant need to touch it. I don't mind my mom or Brandon touching it. My best friends, sure! But everyone else? At least freakin' ask first!
My kids are constantly ramming their heads into my stomach, but that's to be expected. I get at least a dozen hugs from my precious first graders everyday, Jellybean's territory is just at their height. As long as they don't body slam me and squeeze me to death, which does happen from time to time, I don't mind that. I love their hugs. =) I am curious to see what happens as the bean gets bigger...the kids are already struggling to get their little arms around me, lol.
Brandon likes to rub my belly (like Buddha, I suppose...) and sing to the bean. He had quite an awakening when he pressed his ear to my stomach the other night and Jellybean gave him a good swift kick to the side of the head! We both about fell over laughing. I think JB is already showing us who is boss.
And mom, of course, rubs my belly and tells me to "take care of both my babies" whenever I leave her house. =) I love that.
But when I go in public, it's like people are just drawn to my belly. I got in an elevator the other day and felt like the lady in there with me (because clearly, it was just the TWO of us in there...) was trying to move into my "bubble" in the hopes that she'd happen to bump into my bump. It was really odd. She didn't spread out, she practically stood on top of my feet!
I've actually had people ask if they could take a picture of it. WHAT? No, you can't take a picture of my belly. First of all, that's reserved for family. Secondly, I have no idea where that picture would end up. I don't wanna be posted up on Facebook with my big ol' belly sticking out. I dunno. That one's struck me as odd.
I can honestly say that I have only touched one pregnant belly, and that was when Jenny was describing how hard it was and invited me to rub hers. (I have to admit, I never thought about your belly being hard! It's usually so soft and squishy! lol) I have never and would never rub someone's stomach unsolicited. It's just...weird. And, in my opinion, pretty darn rude. I am a hugger, but I do like my personal space. I suspect that most folks like their personal space, too.
As the Bean gets bigger, I'm just now starting to see my belly move. The first time I saw it was in church last Sunday. The bow on my shirt jumped, and I giggled. I'm sure that as I get bigger, other people will be able to see him stretching and poking around in there. Feel free to stare. Make a comment or two. But please don't rub it. It just makes me uncomfortable. My body is private, I don't like it when people just think it's public property because there's a baby in there.
It just makes me wonder how they'd feel if I just rubbed their belly without asking. I don't go up to bald guys and just rub their gigantic shiny noggins. I wouldn't ever go up to a woman with extra junk in her trunk and smack her butt. I won't even pet a dog without asking the owner if it's okay. So why in the world would people keep rubbing my belly? My kid's gonna be born with a flat, shiny spot from having the same spot rubbed all the time. No wonder he does somersaults in there!
Geez. What happened to good old-fashioned manners? =)
Man, they were all spot on.
I understand the fascination with a pregnant woman's tummy...but I do not understand the constant need to touch it. I don't mind my mom or Brandon touching it. My best friends, sure! But everyone else? At least freakin' ask first!
My kids are constantly ramming their heads into my stomach, but that's to be expected. I get at least a dozen hugs from my precious first graders everyday, Jellybean's territory is just at their height. As long as they don't body slam me and squeeze me to death, which does happen from time to time, I don't mind that. I love their hugs. =) I am curious to see what happens as the bean gets bigger...the kids are already struggling to get their little arms around me, lol.
Brandon likes to rub my belly (like Buddha, I suppose...) and sing to the bean. He had quite an awakening when he pressed his ear to my stomach the other night and Jellybean gave him a good swift kick to the side of the head! We both about fell over laughing. I think JB is already showing us who is boss.
And mom, of course, rubs my belly and tells me to "take care of both my babies" whenever I leave her house. =) I love that.
But when I go in public, it's like people are just drawn to my belly. I got in an elevator the other day and felt like the lady in there with me (because clearly, it was just the TWO of us in there...) was trying to move into my "bubble" in the hopes that she'd happen to bump into my bump. It was really odd. She didn't spread out, she practically stood on top of my feet!
I've actually had people ask if they could take a picture of it. WHAT? No, you can't take a picture of my belly. First of all, that's reserved for family. Secondly, I have no idea where that picture would end up. I don't wanna be posted up on Facebook with my big ol' belly sticking out. I dunno. That one's struck me as odd.
I can honestly say that I have only touched one pregnant belly, and that was when Jenny was describing how hard it was and invited me to rub hers. (I have to admit, I never thought about your belly being hard! It's usually so soft and squishy! lol) I have never and would never rub someone's stomach unsolicited. It's just...weird. And, in my opinion, pretty darn rude. I am a hugger, but I do like my personal space. I suspect that most folks like their personal space, too.
As the Bean gets bigger, I'm just now starting to see my belly move. The first time I saw it was in church last Sunday. The bow on my shirt jumped, and I giggled. I'm sure that as I get bigger, other people will be able to see him stretching and poking around in there. Feel free to stare. Make a comment or two. But please don't rub it. It just makes me uncomfortable. My body is private, I don't like it when people just think it's public property because there's a baby in there.
It just makes me wonder how they'd feel if I just rubbed their belly without asking. I don't go up to bald guys and just rub their gigantic shiny noggins. I wouldn't ever go up to a woman with extra junk in her trunk and smack her butt. I won't even pet a dog without asking the owner if it's okay. So why in the world would people keep rubbing my belly? My kid's gonna be born with a flat, shiny spot from having the same spot rubbed all the time. No wonder he does somersaults in there!
Geez. What happened to good old-fashioned manners? =)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Pregnant snow angel
With the ridiculous amount of snow we had, I of course had to make a snow angel. I couldn't get it to pack well enough for a pregnant snow-woman, so I caved and collapsed for an angel instead. I called B over to get the pictures. Then, much to my chagrin, I realized that a 5+ month pregnant woman in 14 inches of snow cannot easily get up. =) B had to help for sure!
And, a true blessing, B's gramma gave me a wonderful pair of snowboots on Christmas that she didn't need and had never worn...and they fit me perfectly. Good thing, too! I wore those shoes from Christmas night through New Year's Eve! What a perfect surprise hand-me-down!
And, a true blessing, B's gramma gave me a wonderful pair of snowboots on Christmas that she didn't need and had never worn...and they fit me perfectly. Good thing, too! I wore those shoes from Christmas night through New Year's Eve! What a perfect surprise hand-me-down!
 |
| Yeah, who's stuck in the snow? I've never even made a snow angel in this much snow, what made me think I could do it pregnant? |
 |
| I have to admit, that much snow makes a pretty fantastic snow angel! |
Bean on the move
For weeks, I've felt little flutters in my tummy and I've wished B could feel something. I know I will hit a point when the baby will be ginormous and will make my entire stomach morph as he turns around. But it's the early wiggles and flips that I feel inside that I wish I could share.
Well, as the snow fell (still! 13 inches later!) the day after Christmas, B and I were snuggled up watching television. Jellybean was feeling especially wiggly, so I grabbed B's hand and, out of habit, put it on my tummy in the hopes he might feel something. To my pleasant surprise, JB did some sort of goal-scoring soccer kick and hit B's hand! B gasped and went, "What the heck was that?" I laughed and told him it was what I'd been feeling for weeks.
And last night, on New Year's Eve, B felt him kick like that on two different occasions. It was wonderful. This time, Bran was a little more awake than the first time...and when the baby kicked and thumped, he gasped and hollered, "HEY! I felt that!" He was all grins. I think he's finally starting to understand what I mean when I make comments about how the baby is all wibbly wobbly.
I suppose it's only going to become stronger and more frequent from this point forward. There will probably be a point when the baby kicks Brandon in the back at night (as my parents say I did to my dad) or where it looks like an alien morphing around in there. But I'm so glad that finally, at least to some degree, Brandon knows what I'm experiencing.
Looks like we have a future soccer player on our hands.
Well, as the snow fell (still! 13 inches later!) the day after Christmas, B and I were snuggled up watching television. Jellybean was feeling especially wiggly, so I grabbed B's hand and, out of habit, put it on my tummy in the hopes he might feel something. To my pleasant surprise, JB did some sort of goal-scoring soccer kick and hit B's hand! B gasped and went, "What the heck was that?" I laughed and told him it was what I'd been feeling for weeks.
And last night, on New Year's Eve, B felt him kick like that on two different occasions. It was wonderful. This time, Bran was a little more awake than the first time...and when the baby kicked and thumped, he gasped and hollered, "HEY! I felt that!" He was all grins. I think he's finally starting to understand what I mean when I make comments about how the baby is all wibbly wobbly.
I suppose it's only going to become stronger and more frequent from this point forward. There will probably be a point when the baby kicks Brandon in the back at night (as my parents say I did to my dad) or where it looks like an alien morphing around in there. But I'm so glad that finally, at least to some degree, Brandon knows what I'm experiencing.
Looks like we have a future soccer player on our hands.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)