Have you ever seen something for the first time that just took your breath away? For me, I remember the very first time the Eiffel Tower came into view; B and I were walking across a bridge at twilight and there, in the distance, shimmered the Tower with its sparkling lights. I stood there, speechless...then we sat on a concrete bench in one of the bridge lookouts and just stared off into the distance. Amazing. My entire life, I'd wanted to see it and poof! There it was before me.
I look at Caleb and realize that he has those moments everyday. Sure, he won't remember the first time he heard a drum or saw the lights flash on his toy, but everything he sees and does is new. We take for granted the sights and sounds in our daily lives because, well, they've been around as long as we can remember. It's only those "Eiffel Tower Moments" that catch us off guard. For me, I am so enjoying watch Caleb take in the world, day by day. How amazing to see him try and comprehend the new things that greet him everyday. It is unbelievable! I have watched him jump when he heard thunder, stare at the lights on his tummy mat when they went off the first time, grab Maggie's fur and feel it in his tiny hands. He will never recall his first encounters with the world, but I feel like it's yet another facet of this miracle of life. He learns so much every single moment; what an awesome opportunity to be a part of that!
It also makes me think of the innocence of babies. So untouched, so unhurt. Caleb has never fallen and felt pain (not yet, anyway). He has never been uncomfortable in a crowd. He's never felt like he doesn't fit in, like he's not good enough. He's not felt the pain of unkind words from a friend, he's never been criticized. He's never felt the heartache of letting someone down or hurting someone's feelings. No one has ever hurt his feelings. It's sad that somewhere along the lines of growing up, we let growing up happen. We let being human get in the way of our innocence. We look for trouble in places where it really isn't, we gossip, we criticize, we put down others to make ourselves feel better. We treat family like outsiders, we treat friends like strangers. I wish I could shelter Caleb from this. I wish there was a way to make sure he stayed innocent. To make sure he never cried himself to sleep over a friendship or family drama. To help him be good and wholesome and pure. To do the right thing, always. But it's not possible. It's those mistakes and heartaches from which we learn, but the lesson always seems to come after the pain.
...It's kind of a hard thing for me to think that, in addition to all of the wonderful "firsts" I will get to witness as my sweet little boy grows up, it will rip my heart in two to see him experience all of the evils and "uglies" in the world. I am not looking forward to holding him when he cries because someone was ugly to him at school or because a friend said something about him that wasn't true. How sad that human nature can be so hurtful.
...And at what point does this become a reality? I see my first graders deal with these things everyday...but at what point in their young, clean lives do they learn to treat others so? Nature or nurture? How sad that as we get older, instead of fixing and improving, we just find new ways to hurt others. I just wish I could spare Caleb the hurt of growing up. I wish I could keep him pure and innocent. I wish that I could watch him revel in the everyday joys of life and never have to explain to him how cruel life can be...how unfair things are. He won't always be picked first for the team, he won't always be good enough, and I know that at some point, hearing from his Mommy that he's number one in her book won't be the answer. I remember when hearing that from my mom was no longer enough to quell the hurt I felt.
But for now, I suppose that rather than fear the future, I should continue to take in his small joys and unparalleled happiness each day. And I guess that a lesson for me as a parent is that while I cannot spare him hurt in the future, I can teach him how to deal with it and how he should treat his peers. Until we cross that bridge, however, I look forward to seeing all of his adventures as he explores his new world each day.
No comments:
Post a Comment