So as I get dangerously close to the big 3-0, I realize just how much my life has changed. Life happens in pieces, milestones that make us reflect on where we've been and where we're going. I remember when Bran and I got engaged; I was scheduled to go to Germany for a semester to teach...and I realized it was kind of my last "hurrah" before settling down. When we got married, I realized that we'd be moving in together and would have a lot of adjustment before we could fall into a routine. When I got pregnant, it was like our "us" time was growing shorter. I also realized I'd be hard-pressed for "me" time, for a girl's night out, for a night of peace and quiet.
Fast forward to now. I have a baby who runs the show. Caleb calls the shots. He determines when I sleep and when I stay awake, where I can go and when I have to be home, when he eats and when I can eat. There are mornings I am too tired to get out of bed, but I have to. I canceled lunch with my SIL this week because Caleb had just had a rough night and kept us both up. He makes the rules now. I thought I'd miss my freedom, and I do sometimes, but it's not a need. I'm in a different place. I don't want to go out and party. I am not looking to be part of the "in crowd." I have no need to grab beers with the coworkers. I realize I'm at a different place in my life; I am married with a baby and a career. I just don't have anything in common with those early 20-something friends of mine. And you know what, I'm completely okay with that! I do not miss the drama of my college days or the confusion of my early 20s. I like knowing that after work, I come home to my hubby and my doggie (and now, my Caleb). I don't need late nights out. Everything I need, all I ever wanted, are right here at home...a wonderful family. =)
I've had a couple of friends comment on how I take Caleb everywhere and how they're glad I do! First of all, my parents took me everywhere, such is the life of an only child, and I'm better for it. I want my little guy to be able to socialize, to know how to behave. Secondly, I realize how quickly time flies. My little Jellybean has been here nearly two months now, and yet it seems like just yesterday I was living out a blur of a day in the hospital after giving birth to him. Where has the time gone? So yes, I take him everywhere. I cannot wait to take him to the park, to Busch Gardens...to go on road trips...to take him to see Santa...and especially to have those nights in where we snuggle up with a movie, dance around the kitchen, or play games. In a flash, he'll be in preschool, then he'll be in middle school. I know time will fly. And I never want to look back and wish we'd spent more time together. I never want to feel like I missed out on a moment or a memory. I wish I could be a stay at home mom for much longer than a few months! What a wonderful miracle that I get to watch my son grow from a tiny little baby into a sweet toddler and then a precious little boy. I love seeing him develop, seeing how he has started to recognize our voices and watching him take in the environment around him. Since Easter Sunday, his eyes have been open so much more frequently. I want him to know me! I want him to be able to reflect on his childhood and realize that I was a huge part of it. I never want him to say, "I wish Mommy hadn't worked so much," or "Why didn't we ever do ___?" I'm lucky that teaching, though I bring home a TON of work, allows me a steady schedule, dependable paycheck, and vacation time that will match his when he starts school. That is probably the number one reason I went into the profession; I mean, I love teaching in and of itself, but I knew that it was a job that would let me make a difference in the world without my family having to lose out on precious time together.
I have everything I have ever wanted. Sure, our lives aren't perfect. I'm sure I'll need a break from time to time, and he'll hit an age where it's just not cool to hang out with mom. But until that day, I want to watch him grow and experience the world with him, not just by looking at pictures someone else took or by asking Brandon what they did together. I want to be there. No night with my girlfriends, no party, no shopping spree, is worth sacrificing that precious bonding time with my little guy.
The focus of my world has shifted from me and Brandon to Caleb.
...and I wouldn't want it any other way. =)
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