Monday, Monday...Can't Trust That Day...

So today was a much better day. It's "better" status is that much more magnified after my "Peggy and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day" I had yesterday.

...and before my Caleb update for Monday 03/14, let me comment on my pity party blog post. I cannot even TELL you how many people responded to my blog. I got over 30 Facebook emails alone! There is no possible way I will have the time to respond to each of you, but please know I read each and every message and I appreciate so much what you had to say. Thank you for appreciating my honesty in my blog, for sharing my heartbreak, for telling me the secret "mommy stories" that so few people know. It makes me feel good that you guys even care enough to write to me, but it especially touches me that so many of you shared your scary mommy moments with me. Thank you for the advice, the "I love you" messages, for the prayers I know you're saying on our behalf. We feel every bit of your love and can tell the prayers are working. Just look at how good our little guy is doing! Brandon and I are doing our best, and we thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to send us some words of wisdom. And, just so you know, we've both pretty much quit answering the phone. Not only are our schedules completely out of whack, but we find it is much harder to keep it together when someone can hear your voice crack; the passive "online" communication seems to be working with us for now...but when we are able to talk, we promise to do our best at the daunting task of returning the phone calls that have been made to us all week. Just be patient with us. =)

Bran is sick now. I hate it when he's sick. I always want to make him feel better. You know how it goes. Well, he slept for almost 12 solid hours last night, which never happens. So when he woke up, I made him go to the doc in a box. It took forever! He was diagnosed with the same garbage I had last week, the upper respiratory infection, but when he told the doc he had a newborn in the hospital, the doc gave him so meds to at least help clear up his head. The virus will run its course, but every little bit of relief helps. And B said the doc laughed when he told him, "My wife made me come here."

I called mom to go to the hospital with me. I was afraid to go alone, and B was at the doctor well past what we'd expected. I was certain I'd have a complete breakdown after my day yesterday, I needed backup. Of course, she was more than happy to oblige. Any grandson time is surely to be taken advantage of!

Nervously, we headed up to the nursery. Mom kept me talking during the drive, so I was much calmer when we got there than I had expected to be. I was so glad to see that Nurse Heather was Caleb's nurse today--she was the first nurse who took care of him the day he was born, I remember her being so kind to me in the midst of all the chaos. She used to be a NICU nurse at CHKD, so she has such a special love for the little babies! She came in and sat with me and mom. She told us some different techniques that Steve had done with Caleb this morning. She gave me some wonderful advice about pumping and was a great cheerleader! I told her I'd had a hard day yesterday, told her how sad I was that I'd never even gotten to see Caleb without being all wrapped in a knot in his blanket. And so she brought him to me in his little crib thing without the knot. I got to change his diaper! TWICE! Who would have thought I'd ever be so excited to scrape poop off of a tiny hiney? It was wonderful! hahahaha I saw his umbilical cord, I changed his diaper, I put his onesie back on. I stretched his legs out, rubbed his tummy, tickled his big feet. I got to wrap him up myself. I held him. I snuggled him. I got lots of extra Bean time! It was so wonderful! She kept coming in and throwing me some little bit of wisdom or updating me on what a good job Caleb is doing. She has no idea how much I needed every little thing she did. She even encouraged me to pump while I am there, as the baby can get my body working overtime. And my mom enjoyed holding the baby while I did; the extra baby time was enjoyed by both of us. When I worried that my session hadn't produced much, she made a big deal about how the amount was the exact (!) amount he's been drinking. She was a wonderful source of inspiration today. The pediatrician also came in to talk to us and give us an update. She is pleased with his progress and impressed with how hard he is working.

...funny how my favorite nurses are named Heather, Amanda, and Jenn...I would be willing to bet that's not a coincidence. =)

Our awesome Nurse Heather, helping Caleb finish his bottle

We were there almost two hours and fought traffic to get back home. I dropped mom off at her place (I insisted I drive...I had to keep my mind occupied...) B was waiting for an update when I got home, and a little while later we headed out again. We grabbed a bite and headed up to the nursery for a night visit. He didn't want to go because he's sick, but I told him he'd rest better knowing he had seen his little guy today. I'm certain he is glad he went.

Caleb did well with feedings today. He had four bottles in a row today, but he got pooped on the last one and missed his goal by 1cc. So for our 9pm feeding, I held him while he was fed by gavage. I could tell he was tired. He had a big afternoon (sorry, little one!) and I had a feeling he'd wear out. But hey, he was close! That's pretty impressive for a week old little boy!

So long and skinny! And I got to put on my first diaper as his mommy!

camera shy, but I saw his belly button!

Poor, sick daddy...he wore a mask because he didn't want to breathe on the baby.

I can't explain the love your baby makes you feel inside...

I had a pretty good time with things until he'd finished his feeding. I knew it would be time to give him back soon. I've teared up once when holding Caleb; I always try to stay strong for him, I don't want him to sense I'm upset. But I lost it tonight. Totally lost it. I mean, I cried the "ugly cry." You know the one...where you scrunch up your face trying not to cry, which makes you cry more, then your lips quiver and you gasp for air. It's just ugly. Every time I looked at his face, I cried again. B tried so hard to be strong for me, he is so good at that, even when he's weak...but I couldn't get it together. I just held Caleb closer and rocked him. I didn't want to leave. Nurse Florida looked in on us, saw I was struggling, and gave us a few extra minutes. Caleb was sleeping so soundly, so I finally made B go get nurse Sherry to put him back. I don't think it will ever get easier to leave him at night. Whether he's in there a week or a month, I know the dreaded end of the night goodbye will tie my heart in a knot every time.

But, he had a good day. That's the important part. He is working so hard and I'm glad he did kind of wear himself out. He needed a break, too. I'm proud of the little guy. Every day he is there is another day where he gets stronger. I have forever to be his mom, a few more days in the hospital won't kill me. Heck, he won't even remember. But I do and I will. So I guess as long as my boys don't mind me struggling a bit, we're good. B knew I was a crier when he married me. I guess Caleb will learn in time, too. =)